Good show, Clause

Santa brought me a computer. Sorry Matt, its a Dell.

Dude.

Sooner or later, this blog will no longer be serving a purpose, as dansignorelli.com will be back on track. Santa also brought me R Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" DVD. Unfortunely, like the Matrix, no one can be told what this is. You have to see it for yourself, and then debate for the next few days on whether or not R Kelly was taking himself seriously when he made it.

Fact:

Brett Favre sucks.

So far this year, he has thrown 28 interceptions, nearly two per game. His passer rating is 70.5. His team is 3-12. He sucks. In the past four games he has thrown for 9 interceptions and 0 touchdowns. He sucks. He refused to mentor his teams younger draft pick at training camp this year. In nine games this year, he has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns. He probably smells bad.

Yet when was the last time you heard a commentator say ANYTHING bad about the guy? You won't. Why? Because he's the white pride of the NFL and these dumb hick commentators. Do you guys never tire of being wrong, and then half-assedly covering your tracks ten seconds later?

Whats in a Name?

Desperate to aleve the guilt of not having bought anything for my coworkers for Christmas, I went to Jerry's to by buy some peanut brittle for all to share. Naturally, having only two items, I went directly for the express lane. Why is it that the least express checkout person is working the express lane? Everything about this lane is in fact express except Old Man River. If your age surpasses seven times the maximum number of items in that lane, you need to be somewhere else. May I suggest the soft foods section?

Merry Christmas to all, even Phil's family, who celebrates only the commercial parts of both Christmas and Channukah.

Pretty Boy

So I was watching Joel Osteen the other day, as I so often do when I'm down. He was preaching about trash TV. "If you fill yourself with these shows, these words, then you will begin so speak like that. We've all heard the saying 'you will become what you eat,' and it applies here, too."

NO.

When you eat a crunchberry, you remain a person. You do not in fact become a crunchberry. The phrase goes "you are what you eat," which we all know refers to the fact that we digest the things we eat and that becomes the things from which our bodies are made. So yes, you are what you eat, though you do not become it. Quit twisting popular phrases in order to connect with people, who seem to believe anything that is conjured up behind your pearly whites, Joel. When Joel used that common phrase, people immediately make a connection between that popular belief, and whatever he says next. Don't believe the pearly whites and their mangled allegories. Just leave me to my Gauntlet II.

Jean Claude Van Kong

I saw King Kong the other day. You know youre old when you find yourself wanting to see Syriana instead. I was not impressed, Mr. Jackson. The special effects were pretty cool, but nowhere near Lord of the Rings. The story I already know, so that didn't really get me either. I was also horribly confused by how, where, and when King Kong familiarized himself with the fine art of Tae Kwon Do and Drunken Boxing. If you cut out all of the staring in that movie, running time would be reduced from 3 to 2 hours. So really what you have is something that indeed looks like a blockbuster, but had to much holidazzle and not enough dialogue. Still, itll make a billion dollars. I guess that's what you can do with a $300 million budget. And a giant ape.

PS Kyle, dont ever see this movie. Remember when you had to cover your eyes during the scene with the big spider in the third Lord of the Rings movie? There are much worse things being done by much grosser bugs in this one.

Double Trouble

When I post at work, sometimes things go awry. Such is why you see two BAM!s.

I went to see Kess' show at Bryant Lake last night, and it was rad to the nth degree. In the bathroom at BLB the words 'mother fucker' were scrawled above the urinal. Someone then wrote "from the depths of my creativity, I write --->" with the arrow pointing to the aforementioned metaphor. I'm pretty sure the guy who wrote 'mother fucker' was more clever than the other.

Emperor Penguins will march, single file, 60 miles inland in Antarctica to lay an egg. The females then march 60 miles back to the coast, where they eat for a few weeks. They then march back and regurg some food for the youngin's and the males. Then the males march back, followed by the females when the youngin's are big enough. Despite the fact that these penguins are the only animal on the continent during these months, not one of them has ever stepped out of line and said "Does this seem stupid to anyone else?"

Bam!

How to make dinner:

Remove Uncle Ben's Teriyaki Chicken Rice Bowl from freezer
Read directions, despite having done this 500 times
Peel back cellophane to vent
Place in microwave, cook on high for 5 mins
Remove bowl, throw cellophone away
Remove peapods from bowl and throw away
Stir your now flawless rice bowl
Cook on high for one more minute
Let bowl cool
Enjoy!
Look for something else to eat because you are still hungry

Bam!

How to make dinner:

Remove Uncle Ben's Teriyaki Chicken Rice Bowl from freezer
Read directions, despite having done this 500 times
Peel back cellophane to vent
Place in microwave, cook on high for 5 mins
Remove bowl, throw cellophone away
Remove peapods from bowl and throw away
Stir your now flawless rice bowl
Cook on high for one more minute
Let bowl cool
Enjoy!
Look for something else to eat because you are still hungry

YEEEEEEE-HA!!!!!!!

Dan: So where do you think you're gonna go when you take off?
Derek: Still not sure. Probably Vegas. I've pretty much ruled out Texas.
Dan: Probably a good idea. You know what they have in Texas?
Derek: Texans.
Dan: That is the exact word I was going to use.

Where Have You Gone, Booger Thomas, M.D.?

So many of you keep telling me you read this thing, so why the comment drought as of late? Maybe Joe is bitter about not making the playoffs in my fantasy football league this year after repeating as champion. Perhaps Kess is busy with her own blog, or her play which we will be attending on the 17th (and you had better be ON POINT). Derek, I imagine, is busy snowboarding (dork, you should be closing yourself off from the world like I do during winter). One thing I do know: I don't ever want frosted donut holes to change.

Breaking Down the Vikings in the Style of Steven A. Smith

Alright, CHECK it. Next topic, and a GOOD one. The MinneSNOWta Vikings. Thats a CLEVER name. Alright. The Vikings are undeFEATed with Brad Johnson at quarterback. With my man Daunte they were a TWO and FIVE TEAM. Does Daunte have more talent than BJ? YES. But are the Vikings better off with BJ at QB? YES. Look at YESterday's game. The Rams CAME with the blitz package ALL GAME. BJ used his hot routes time and TIME again to get away. What would Daunte do? WWDD? Ha, CLEVER. He would panic, SCRAMBLE, and throw a pick or take a SACK. The Vikings need to hope they win the DIVISION, if they want to make the playoffs. If they can gain ONE MORE on the Bears before the season finale AT MinneSNOWta, theyve got a legitimate shot. But ten wins....MIGHT not be good enough for a wild card.

Alright NEXT topic, because that one was STUPID....

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Worst idea ever. Can you imagine the thought process that led up to someone thinking this would be a good idea? 'Tis the season to associate yourself with, to quote David Cross, a "rich, giggling cunt." I also like how one guy was upset because his grandchildren would associate Christmas with a naked woman, instead of Santa Clause.

Or, you know....baby Jesus.

And so it Goes...

If younger women found me as attractive as it seems older women do, my nickname would be Hef. As it goes, an older woman at the hospital yesterday told me I look like Tim Robbins. Here's how it went with the younger.

Conversation I imagined:

Hot Hand Massage Girl at Hospital: "So how did you get your job here anyway? Ive been trying to get one for so long!"
Smoove D: "Well, it's like this. People know a good thing when they see it. And that's what I am. A good thing. Except when I'm being a bad boy. Haha. I'm witty."
HHMGH: "Wow! I can see that! So what would I need to do to land a job like yours?"
SD: "Give me your phone number and Danimal will see what he can do, baby."

Actual conversation:

HHMGH: "So how did you get your job here anyway? Ive been trying to get one for so long!"
UnSmoove D: "Well, Uhhh, I guess, are you certified?"
HHMGH: "Yeah."
USD: "It helps if you know someone. I did. And I bothered them until they responded."
HHMGH: "Oh."
USD: "Well...Good luck with that."

I guess I just have to remember this. That hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'.

Dufresne out.

TiVo Superstar

So I was all ready to TiVo episode one of Gauntlet II. I pressed the "Record this program" selection, when to my horror I read "Cannot record selection. Conflicts with: The Medium." Molly had chosen to record this program, conflicting with the Gauntlet II opener. I was crushed. I attended my prior obligation that night, wistfully dreaming of the debauchery I was no doubt missing. When I woke up this morning, I found a note on the living room table.

"Dan-

I Tivoed Gauntlet II. Enjoy."

Molly."

And it was everything I thought it would be.

Tearing Larry the Cable Guy a New One

By David Cross. Thanks to Joe for the link.

For all y'all who don't know it, David Cross co starts in Arrested Development, Mr. Show, has written for Tenacious D, and has some good comedy albums out. Check 'em.

Gauntlet starts TONIGHT.

How depressed must Daunte Culpepper be right now? Between the Loveboat investigation, his blowing his knee out, and the team being 2-5 with him and 5-0 without him, I'd say he's had a rough go of it lately.

As awesome as I think it is that UW is playing in the Capital One bowl on Jan. 2, and that they get a chance to prove themselves on a national scene, Auburn is a team thats coming into the bowl game with W's against Georgia and Alabama. Yikes.

Jesse McCartney: "I felt that this was important [to put out a live album], because there are some pop stars out there right now who, you know, unfortunately, can't sing." ...No shit?

Is It a Ruse?

"Kids are like magnets. They absorb everything."

So read the sign outside of Edina Tire and Auto Service this afternoon. There is SO MUCH that is wrong with that statement. Magnets do not absorb a damn thing, they attract. Also, they don't always attract, half the time they repel. They do not even attract or repel everything. In fact the things a magnet will attract or repel is very much limited. Were they thinking of a sponge? Here are some much better ways in which kids are like magnets:

1. They're sticky.
2. They can be positive an negative things at the same time.
3. In my case, very attractive.

Then I thought, was this all a trick? Here I am, thinking about Edina Tire and Auto Service (located a few blocks south of 50th and France), when in fact, I do not need my tires or auto serviced. So either these guys are very smart, or very dumb. Either way, they and their crappy similes are not getting anywhere near my car.

And no, spellcheck, I will not replace "similes" with "smilies."

Also...

Why did Anne erase her comment? Did I upset her or her baby? Did my blog make a baby cry?

"Nice Tree."

Such was the quote that inspired this blog. It came from a guy in the hospital who walked by the Christmas tree in the lobby. Nice indeed. But why? Why do we symbolize the birth of the baby Jesus using a plant of which he unquestionably (unless you're Mormon) never came within a thousand miles? The answer is this. A 7th century monk somewhere in Germany used the fir to represent the Holy Trinity. Thats about it.

Read my blog.
Learn shit.