Whats in a Name?

Desperate to aleve the guilt of not having bought anything for my coworkers for Christmas, I went to Jerry's to by buy some peanut brittle for all to share. Naturally, having only two items, I went directly for the express lane. Why is it that the least express checkout person is working the express lane? Everything about this lane is in fact express except Old Man River. If your age surpasses seven times the maximum number of items in that lane, you need to be somewhere else. May I suggest the soft foods section?

Merry Christmas to all, even Phil's family, who celebrates only the commercial parts of both Christmas and Channukah.